We're not meant to do it alone
How to ask for help (and why it matters)
👋 Hi, I’m Theresa. Welcome to my newsletter on career growth, leadership, and navigating the challenges of working in tech. Learn more about my 1:1 coaching practice at theresaaristarco.com.
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One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned as a leader wasn’t how to build high-performing teams or deliver under pressure - it was to ask for help.
For months, I struggled with long-haul COVID symptoms and burnout at work. But I didn’t want to burden anyone with my needs. I felt that asking for help would reveal weakness, and weakness was shameful. But that belief was rooted in a fundamental misunderstanding.
I had to unlearn the belief that needing help was a sign of weakness. I had to learn that help is not a burden, it’s a gift. That everyone needs help and everyone deserves it.
But it's hard to ask for help
In today’s workforce, where speed and self-sufficiency are often prioritized, asking for help can feel like an uncomfortable vulnerability. Knowledge and skills signal strength. Independence and expertise is rewarded. The pressure is magnified when there is fear of job security or professional standing. As a young woman in tech, I’ve experienced the added pressure of worrying that asking for help could make me seem less competent or not skilled enough.
Even when I was chronically ill and overwhelmed by my workload, I convinced myself that handling everything alone was expected. The ability to get shit done is a core part of my identity - I’m a type-A virgo through and through. I pride myself on high-quality work, the ability to multitask and rarely drop the ball. So I powered through, because I wanted to preserve my hard-won credibility. But the longer I kept pushing, trying to still do it all, the worse things got.
The shift: embracing help
Eventually, my husband would not let me continue to pretend I had everything under control. That moment of honesty was when everything started to shift - I wasn’t meant to do it all alone. That was not the point.
I started to speak more honestly with friends and family about how much I was struggling. In these conversations, I heard over and over how much people wished they had known what I was going through, because they wanted to help me. It was now clear that I could have been supported all along, had I just shown them I needed it.
I stopped seeing help as something I had to earn or justify. Asking for help became a sign of trust, not inadequacy. I finally saw needing help as an essential part of life. No meaningful work - and no meaningful life - is built in isolation.
Leaning on your people
The people around you are your support system. At work, this is likely your team and peer teams. And I’d bet that if you need help, these people want the opportunity to help you. It’s likely part of their job description to help you!
The question is: how do you overcome the discomfort of asking for help? How do you push past the fear of seeming weak or incompetent? How do you get to the point where asking for help becomes just another part of doing your job, rather than a barrier to your success?
The hardest part is putting yourself out there in the first place. It’s like stepping into a spotlight onstage - you feel exposed. But then someone else steps into the light beside you. You are not alone.
When you ask someone for help, you’re showing them that you value their support and expertise, and inviting them into a collaborative process. You’re deepening a relationship.
For leaders, modeling this behavior encourages openness. By showing that you can ask for help, you’re creating an environment where your team members feel empowered to do the same, a culture of continuous learning and mutual support. These are all critical ingredients for building a healthy, effective team.
So how do I actually ask for help in a way that feels empowering, and not like a sign of weakness?
Here are some practical strategies that helped me (and can help you too):
Start with honesty
You must first be brutally honest with yourself. Acknowledge that you need help, even if it’s uncomfortable. Be upfront about the situation. Remember, there’s no shame in needing support.Be specific and clear
The more specific you are about what you need, the more focused the help will be. Don’t just say, “I need help.” Tell them exactly where you’re stuck and what you’ve already tried. This helps the other person jump in quickly without needing a lot of context, and it can make them feel like their time is valued.Acknowledge and express appreciation
After someone helps you, take the time to genuinely thank them. This isn’t just about politeness, it reinforces that their support mattered and strengthens your connection. Whether it’s a quick “Thanks for your time - your input helped me get unstuck” or sharing the outcome later, showing appreciation makes it more likely they’ll want to help again. And it reinforces a culture of generosity.
Stronger together
I used to think I had to prove I could do it all alone. But no meaningful work or life is built in isolation. The moment we stop treating self-reliance as a badge of honor and start treating connection as a strength, everything changes. We go farther. We get better. We become stronger, together.
If you're finding it hard to ask for help or feeling overwhelmed, you're not alone - I'm here to help. Let’s talk about how we can turn this challenge into an opportunity for growth.
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